Carnival of the NBA #63: Stress Relief

Michael ScottOkay, everyone.  I’ve figured it out.  The reason that we are all so stressed about the NBA is because we are too intimidated to say what we really think.  We’re keeping these things inside – and that is causing stress.  So, what is the solution? 

The solution is: honesty, laughter, and comedy.  I’m talking about a roast!  Of the NBA!

Who here has the Comedy Central Roast Channel? 

You’ve seen it.  Everyone gets together and starts hurling insults at the one “guy,” but while laughing and hugging each other.  Anything goes… [In Hispanic accent]  Sí Señor.  See…it’s not offensive if it’s a roast.  Don’t hold back.  It can be about being cheap!  It can be about losing clients!  It can even be about your opponents in your fantasy basketball league, regardless of what place you’re in!  Everything is fair game.   

So get cracking…

Jim, you’re six eleven and weigh ninety pounds.  Gumby has a better body than you.  As does Kevin Durant, but just barely.  Remember when he couldn’t bench press his own body weight before the draft?  Now he’s lighting up the league and is pinned (in poster form) firmly to the cieling of Bill Simmons.  Boom, roasted.

You’re the reason I drink.  The reason I live to forget.  You were practically given an All-Star big man last season and now other teams refuse to do that for the Cavaliers.  Your current front court is so good that another All-Star wouldn’t even help.  Your system is so confusing that 29 and nine just won’t do.  Boom, roasted.

You pathetic, short little man.  You have don’t have any friends.  Or any family.  Or any land.  Or any clients.  At least one less than you did.  You obviously don’t bring enough fire.  Use the “fear and surge of adrenaline” to sharpen your decision making…next time.  And you have no money.  Like the owner of the Phoenix Suns.  Boom, roasted.

Meredith.  You slept with so many guys that you’re starting to look like one.  It’s quite the impression, to say the least.  Almost as good as Dwight Howard’s impression of his coach Stan Van Gundy.  Who has killed the hopes of so many other teams and is starting to look like Paul Bearer.  Boom, roasted.

If you ever put sun block on your window, you might be… Kevin Love.  With Al Jefferson going down with an ACL injury, the rookie is bound to be hot down the stretch.  Possibly even walking away with the title of Rookie of the Year.  Which may then force people to call him Henry Rowengartner.  Boom, roasted.

Nard DogWhat I hate about you…You really suck as a boss.  You’re the lousiest, jerkiest, and you’re dumber than apple sauce.  And I hope that you really didn’t blow it by trading a young, athletic small forward like Jamario Moon.  You’re still on the clock for keeping Chris Bosh in town – and I don’t think Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks are exactly the answer.  Boom, roasted.

Pam, you failed art school…Which is where Jermaine O’Neal may end up if things don’t work out in Miami.  He may be compatable on paper, but when was the last time that this guy was considered a superstar?  Nice team-friendly salary.  Boom, roasted.

Andy, Cornell called.  And they think you suck.   Worse than the two teams that just happen to be doing worse than Nels in the blogger fantasy basketball league.  But then again, if it wasn’t for them, he would have less of a reason to roast his entire team.  Not that that would stop him.  Boom, roasted.

I can’t decide between a fat joke or a dumb joke.  Or joke about your name.  Since you’re a male.  Named “Courtney.”  I’ve bet you’ve never heard that before.  Especially in the locker room at the NBADL All-Star game.  Good luck on the Suns.  Boom, roasted.

Well I just wanna take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious.  Nope, not Nigerian princesses.  The fact that passing of Ralph Kaplowitz this past month may be one of the more underreported stories of 2009.  Huge thanks to Carolyn for giving it its just due.  Where was ESPN on that one?  Boom, roasted.

Dwight, you’re a kiss-*ss.  And by the sounds of things, perhaps Alvin Gentry wasn’t too far off?  Given his new role, he’s now given the task of returning his team to prominence.  Something Terry Porter couldn’t do.  Boom, roasted.

Stanley, you crush your wife during *** and your heart sucks.  Do you know what else crushes wives?  Awful music videos.  Especially when your wife weighs all of 90 pounds and plays the character of a former international super model.  Boom, roasted.

Alright. Alright everybody. You know I kid. You know I kid. You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. So, uh, good-night, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.  Feel free to fit in your own “iPod Shuffle” joke in the comments…

(Huge thanks to all of the participants for this edition of the Carnival.  An even bigger thanks to Nels at GMTR for getting the ball rolling with the roasting concept and pumping out quality Fantasy NBA material.  For more on the Carnival of the NBA, head over to BallHype.  Cheers!)