The Browns Will Win If…

This Sunday is the first day of the rest of our lives. OK, that might be a little melodramatic, but if you’re Brady Quinn you probably can’t help but feel like that. His career in Cleveland is all but finished, as he couldn’t even last three full games. It’s DA’s show again, folks!
The Bengals are like the Bizarro Bengals thus far this season. A fluke play against Denver away from being 3-0, including a big win over the Steelers last week. Carson Palmer is back and getting into the groove again, but the big difference is that the Bengals have a new-found strength on defense so far. Antwan Odom leads the league in sacks? Top-13 in rush defense and scoring defense? Who are these guys?? Without further ado…

The Browns Will Win If…

Craig: …they figure out how to run routes and catch balls for Derek Anderson. If the Browns somehow find a way to get a couple of big plays on offense they might have a chance against the Bengals. The Bengals beat the Steelers, but the Browns will have their best chance at a win against this team. They might even be able to get some pressure on Carson Palmer. Palmer has 4 interceptions to go with his 4 TDs so maybe the Browns will finally force a turnover on defense. Then again, they might just implode in a mess of Derek Anderson interceptions into triple coverage while staring down receivers. That is when Anderson isn’t tripping over his oversize feet and sacking himself.

Scott: …the D.A. time machine is in full-effect. To this point, D.A. has been a poor-man’s Brett Favre. Equal part hillbilly, equal part throwing into triple coverage, zero part win column. Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads. We just need touchdowns. If he can somehow muster the magic of [the first half] of 2007, connect with a few receivers, pretend that Mike Furrey is Joe Jurevicius – even if we have to switch numbers with Robert Royal – this could actually be a surprise game just like it was two seasons ago. On the defensive end, pressure Carson Palmer and for the love of God stop the big plays before they start. To the Delorean!

DP: …Cincinnati’s bus breaks down on the way to the stadium. In all seriousness, if Serviceable DA shows up and doesn’t make too many mistakes with the ball, the Bengals’ secondary is mediocre enough for him to have a good day. If he can move the team with the pass early, it might set up the run. So, if you’re scoring at home, the Browns will win if DA doesn’t stink up the joint and the offensive coaching staff calls a game that looks like they have an actual plan. Summary: points. I guess if you were looking for a quick way to boil it down, the Browns need to discover that 10-yard section of grass commonly called the “end zone,” would be the take away from what I’m saying. If the defense can get some rest on the sidelines, they might have a shot to slow down Cincinnati enough, but it won’t matter if they hold the Bengals to 20 if the Browns score 6 again this week.

RockKing: …Derek Anderson can limit, or really, eliminate, all his interceptions and fumbles. We all know who DA is and what kind of QB he is and is not. He’s not a QB who can help a team consistently win games. He got hot in 2007, but for the most part, you’re not going to consistently win with him. However, having said that, he is a QB who can go out and win you any given individual game. The obvious point of reference here is the Giants game last year, but that goes to my point last week that in the NFL, any team is capable of beating any other team on any given Sunday. The Browns can beat The Bengals. They probably won’t beat them, but they can if DA can take control of this game and loosen up the defense enough to allow the Browns to get a running game going a bit and if they can connect on a few long plays.

Rick: …they can establish some semblance of a running game. Harrison and James Davis will need to make plays on the ground if Anderson and the passing game have any chance. The turnstiles on the right side of the offensive line will have to play significantly better this week against a much improved Bengals defensive front. If the Bengals get pressure without sending more than 4 we are in trouble. (And since Joe Thomas can only block one player at a time, I’d say trouble is brewing.) Defensively, I’d love to see Ryan just open up and blitz like mad. Why not? Either we make a big play or give up a big play, either way we probably are staring 0-4 in the face.

TD: …if it becomes 2007 all over again and there is a replay of the infamous Derek Anderson coming out party against the Bengals, where he threw for 328 yards and 5 TD’s. In all seriousness, nobody is giving the Browns any chance. The Bengals just beat Green Bay and Pittsburgh back to back. How hard can it be to beat the Clowns? If the Browns have any shot, they somehow have to create turnovers and jump out to an early lead. Momentum is a beautiful thing. We all know how this team does when they have to come from behind; not well. DA has to hit some big plays deep and re-capture his chemistry with Braylon Edwards. Honestly, they are going to have to completely forget everything that has happened over the last two and a half games and come out playing with pride and with a chip on their shoulder.

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Now, for the other side of the coin. We reached out to the team over at The Who Dey Revolution, who in the midst of their “Project Mayhem” initiative, took some time out to help us out for this post. And, true to form, they did not disappoint. The members of the Who Dey Revolution are forever calling for Cincinnati Bengals fans to take a stand and demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of the Cincinnati Bengals’ ownership, management, staff and players. Specifically, the Who Dey Revolution demands Bengals’ owner Mike Brown relinquish his control of all managerial decisions and control of player personnel and hire a competent, experienced and knowledgeable General Manager that will bring about momentous change to the way in which the Bengals franchise is operated. Without further ado…

The Bengals Will Win If…

Eddie Falznutz – Franchise kicker Shayne Graham continues his successful extra point streak, running back DeDe Dorsey continues to put up 150 + yard games and sticks with his ‘boy’, Chris Henry continues to follow in his father’s footsteps to greatness, the  Chad stays away from Lil Weez, and our beautiful  cheerleaders continue to bring us home in the Who Dey nation — THAT is how the Bengals will champion this Sunday’s game….!

Competitiveness – The Bengals don’t allow Derek Anderson to complete any long passes by playing two deep in zone or man-under, and don’t break containment on runs to the tackles like they did against the Steelers to gain a pass rushing advantage. On offense, they just don’t beat themselves with an excessive amount of penalties and turnovers. Benson should be able to have many long runs if he can get into Cleveland’s second-level D, which is [crap].

Sly Vramavomovich – The Browns can win if they kidnap the entire Bengals defense and
replace them with wacky waving inflatable flailing tube men. They would also have to kidnap Mike Zimmer because he still could probably get two turnovers out of his inanimate replacements against the Browns.

Chairman Meow – The Bengals will win if Donte Stallworth accidentally runs over Bob Bratkowski before the game, forcing somebody with a brain to do the playcalling.

MikeBrownDelendaEst – As you would expect in such an intense intrastate rivalry, this one will likely be determined by the team that does the little things better.  For instance long snapping.  Brown’s long snapper Ryan Pontbriand is one of the earliest players ever drafted to play that position (#142 – 2003 draft), and has gone to the Pro Bowl each of the past two years.  He is also the highest paid long snapper in the league, setting the Brown’s back $4,975,000 against their 2009 cap (mostly due to bonuses for making the Pro Bowl).  The Bengals long snapper Brad St. Louis cost the Bengals a spot in the playoffs in 2006, and has already hosed up an extra point and a field goal attempt in
2009, but continues to have a job because he’ll make a measly $758,571 in 2009.  So, I could go into the conditions under which the Bengals will win, but when Mike Brown looks at facts like that he thinks  he’s already won.

Fielding Mellish – The Bengals will win when Eric Mangini comes up with the brilliant idea of improving his offense by hiring long time Offensive Coordinator Bob Bratkowski from the Cincinnati Bengals.  Bengals owner Mike Brown with little time to hire a replacement, and a penchant for not “over spending” on players or coaches, promotes a baked potato from lunch to be the interim Coordinator.  The Bengals win the game 24-7.  Mike Brown, so impressed with the play calling of the baked potato, hires a bag of Lays Potato Chips, a helping of tater tots, and a basket of french fries into the new Bengals Scouting department. Who Dey!

Sleeping With Bieniemy – Head coach Eric Mangini, a reputed genius who demonstrates a ruthless pursuit for perfection, continues his streak of focusing his efforts entirely on the behavior and conduct of his players off-the-field, while completely ignoring the ongoing cluster[frick] on the field.  But hey, at least the Brown players will treat hotel property and employees with respect! The Bengals will also win if they continue to – much to the surprise of their fans – “have a defense”.

Showtime – The Bengals will win if they play league average defense.  There’s almost no way the Browns should score more than 17 on anyone at this point.  Only a failure of a defense allows them to get there.  If the Bengals play like they should, the Browns should score anywhere between 10-14 on a good day.  If this happens, the Bengals win.

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Let’s hear it, folks!