While We’re Waiting… Conspiracy theories

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While We’re Waiting serves as the early morning gathering of WFNY-esque information for your viewing pleasure. Have something you think we should see? Send it to our tips email at tips@waitingfornextyear.com.

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“Conspiracy Theory #1: Dan Gilbert, being a multi-millionaire that owns a significant amount of real estate, is clearly a member of the Illuminati. By some conspiracy theories (in other words, the good ones), the Illuminati are not just a secret society of the rich and powerful, they’re actually shape-shifting reptilian aliens that have secretly enslaved mankind. Let’s go with that angle.

So Dan Gilbert is secretly a giant space lizard. Being a giant space lizard, he knows other giant space lizards with all kinds of cool shit that you can’t even think of. Shit like rocket ships and laser guns and stuff like that. They also have a cool chamber like the one in Prometheus that can repair any kind of injury almost instantaneously. So Dan Gilbert wanted to use this space surgery tube on Andy so he wouldn’t miss any time. Hence the story of a bruise, because, come on, it’s a bruise. Who misses time for a bruise?

It took a while to get Andy in to see the space lizard doctor (I mean, let’s face it, if you were space lizard doctor that was secretly ruling the earth, you’d have more important things to do than help the Cavs), and unfortunately they found out that he was too tall to use the surgery tube bullshitty thing. So they had to come clean and schedule Andy for contemporary surgery.” [Benedetti/Fear the Sword]

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“It’s riveting and horrifying to watch someone who has been great at something their entire lives—in Casspi’s case, basketball—fail at it so repeatedly that you can see them start to think, “Y’know, maybe this just isn’t for me. Maybe I can still go to law school.” You could see Casspi’s confidence circling the drain, and he looked disoriented, at once home and in a foreign land. Of course Casspi, who left Israel to play in the NBA, knows that feeling in a more literal sense. As he struggled, it began to look like his other home, a basketball court, didn’t belong to him anymore either.

Omri Casspi seems to be putting the nightmare of last year behind him. In limited minutes this season, he has looked like an NBA rotation player again. He’s more at home than ever behind the three-point line, shooting 40.8% on 49 attempts, and he has improved on the defensive end—this is faint praise, but he is the best defender on one of the league’s worst benches. But if Casspi is trying to prove that last year was a slight aberration and that he can contribute to an NBA team—I would argue that he has been successful at doing so—then his efforts are being hampered by a coaching staff that won’t play him. He’s racking up DNPs while Luke Walton—whose birth, I believe, is chronicled in some of Milton’s poetry—plays double-digit minutes and Byron Scott experiments with three-guard lineups that function like a one-winged bird.” [McGowan/Cavs the Blog]

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“Despite the strides made at wide reciever, no one would assert that the Buckeye receiving corps was the strength of the offense. Ohio State needs similar improvements from year one to year two to more fully realize the offense’s potential.

The personnel is there to make that jump. Part of the improvement will come in the form of Miller becoming more consistent, working through his progressions, and moving when his initial reads are not present. But some of it needs to come from the receivers themselves.

As noted, Brown established himself as sure-handed and a reliable threat to move the chains. If he can become more of a home run threat whenever he touches the football, he will become a receiver opposing defenses need to plan for.” [Fulton/Eleven Warriors]

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“3. Ohio State. Urban Meyer, savior of Midwestern football. Notre Dame had its best season in decades, only to get embarrassed by Alabama in the title game. The SEC’s won seven straight championships — two by Meyer at Florida — but Ohio State could have helped end that streak in 2012 if it had been eligible for the postseason. Expectations will be enormous in Columbus after an unrecognized 12-0 season, but with Braxton Miller as the centerpiece, the Buckeyes will make a run at a repeat unbeaten record, this time with a chance to win the Big Ten and head to Pasadena, home of both the Rose Bowl and the national championship game.” [Brown/Sports on Earth]

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“Chudzinski was the Browns’ offensive coordinator in 2007 and 2008. He spent the past two seasons as the Carolina Panthers’ offensive coordinator. To Chudzinski’s credit, he turned Derek Anderson into a one-year phenom, when Anderson threw for 29 touchdowns as the Browns were 10-6 in 2007. Their high-powered offense earned Chudzinski a contract extension through 2011.

In true Browns’ fashion, he was fired after the 2008 season when the Browns were 4-12. Four different quarterbacks played because of injuries. In the past two years, he did some good work with Cam Newton in Carolina. I’m still stunned by the hire and never expected it.” [Pluto/Cleveland.com]

  • mgbode

    if anyone is an alien shape-shifting reptile, then it is Andy not Dan.

  • The_Matt_Of_Akron

    I just cannot picture a bunch of space-lizard world-takeover memo’s circulating around the galaxy in a Comic Sans font.