When you live in a world with Amazon.com and professional sports, you just know that you’re going to end up with some really bad team branded products. Those products get searched out this time of year as potential presents for giant sports fans, no matter how ludicrous. In fact sometimes the more inane they are, the more likely they’re chosen as gifts. With that in mind, I decided to identify these gifts and open them up for commentary by WFNY writers and alumni.
Without further ado, I bring you the next in this series… “Cleveland Browns Duck Tape.”
Craig: My brain is overloading with joke premises. Leaking boats. Drafty houses. Using duct tape to fix torn ACLs. I just don’t know where to go with this one, so I’ll go nowhere at all. You guys have at it. Cleveland Browns-themed Brownie the Elf Duck Tape is a product for football fans everywhere.
DP: My step-mother actually bought me some of this last Christmas, though it was not the Elf version (just the team name and a helmet).
Denny: This is just straight-up a terrible gift why would you buy someone duck tape as a gift that’s like buying some finish nails for them because hey they might need to fix some stuff in their house and while we’re at it why not throw a Browns logo on it
Craig: I love how there aren’t even any jokes for this one. Things turned serious. “No, seriously, there’s no defense of this.” And Dan, I’m sure it was just a side part of your gift from your mother in-law, right? Cleveland Browns duct tape wasn’t the headliner, right?
DP: I don’t remember, Craig. I blacked out for a bit after I opened it. Also of note: it was unsuccessful covering a hole in my son’s inflatable bath tub.
Rick: See, I was thinking this was an item that nobody would ever give as a present. Seriously, who gives duct tape?
Kirk: A hot seller would be having the 20 quarterback names on the roll. A Wynn to fix the pipe. A Garcia to prevent windows from shattering. A Holcomb to fix a leaky boat. A Detmer to remove a wart. The possibilities are endless.
Rick: The quarterback roll? That’s genius. Leave a few blank spots at the end.
Kirk: And we all wonder how Davone Bess improved so drastically in one week….
Denny: The Cleveland quarterback roll is sushi made from rice cooked in flammable water and zebra mussels.