August 26, 2014

Counting Down the Worst Cleveland Browns Christmas Gifts – #6

When you live in a world with Amazon.com and professional sports, you just know that you’re going to end up with some really bad team branded products. Those products get searched out this time of year as potential presents for giant sports fans, no matter how ludicrous. In fact sometimes the more inane they are, the more likely they’re chosen as gifts. With that in mind, I decided to identify these gifts and open them up for commentary by WFNY writers and alumni.

Without further ado, I bring you the next in this series… “Cleveland Browns Duck Tape.”

Browns Duct Tape

Craig: My brain is overloading with joke premises. Leaking boats. Drafty houses. Using duct tape to fix torn ACLs. I just don’t know where to go with this one, so I’ll go nowhere at all. You guys have at it. Cleveland Browns-themed Brownie the Elf Duck Tape is a product for football fans everywhere.

DP: My step-mother actually bought me some of this last Christmas, though it was not the Elf version (just the team name and a helmet).

Denny: This is just straight-up a terrible gift why would you buy someone duck tape as a gift that’s like buying some finish nails for them because hey they might need to fix some stuff in their house and while we’re at it why not throw a Browns logo on it

CraigI love how there aren’t even any jokes for this one. Things turned serious. “No, seriously, there’s no defense of this.” And Dan, I’m sure it was just a side part of your gift from your mother in-law, right? Cleveland Browns duct tape wasn’t the headliner, right?

DP: I don’t remember, Craig. I blacked out for a bit after I opened it. Also of note: it was unsuccessful covering a hole in my son’s inflatable bath tub.

Rick: See, I was thinking this was an item that nobody would ever give as a present. Seriously, who gives duct tape?

Kirk: A hot seller would be having the 20 quarterback names on the roll. A Wynn to fix the pipe. A Garcia to prevent windows from shattering. A Holcomb to fix a leaky boat. A Detmer to remove a wart. The possibilities are endless.

Rick: The quarterback roll? That’s genius. Leave a few blank spots at the end.

Kirk: And we all wonder how Davone Bess improved so drastically in one week….

Denny: The Cleveland quarterback roll is sushi made from rice cooked in flammable water and zebra mussels.

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And there you have it folks. What say you?

  • Ezzie Goldish

    Along the QB lines, just makes it easier for that guy with the QB shirt. Now he can use good merchandised tape to cover up those names.

  • Natedawg86

    Can you guys add all of these directly to my amazon wishlist? Is it like the 80s when bad means good?

  • mgbode

    my son’s are both receiving themed duct tape in their stockings this year. no, really. sure, it’s angry birds and spiderman and just apart of their “art supply” kits, but still :)

  • Natedawg86

    You could use this to put on the mouths of stoolers fans at the games!

  • Natedawg86

    Cool until it ends up on their walls in their rooms…haha

  • maxfnmloans

    typical Browns, can only go 10 yards once then it’s worthless

  • mgbode

    their room is neon green at the moment. i wouldn’t mind something covering it and worrying about patching the drywall later :)

  • Natedawg86

    You will be lucky to get 10 yards

  • TomWFNY

    Non-gray duct tape can be very useful. This stuff is a bit over-priced, but I’ve purchased Hello Kitty tape at Meijer in the past month.

  • The_Matt_Of_Akron

    Great. I’m sure we’ll be seeing this down at Canal Park shortly….

  • mgbode

    you’ll get 9.9yds and like it!

  • mgbode

    no doubt to wrap your car like Josh Gordon’s camo-porsche

    http://sports.cbsimg.net/images/blogs/Josh-Gordon-porche.398.png

  • http://twitter.com/bbo13 B-bo

    This one might provide the only opportunity to truthfully say, “The Browns are on a roll”

  • Ron

    Wouldn’t toilet paper male more sense?

  • http://www.centsports.com/?opcode=487541 c3j1v62

    I got the OSU version of this for my bday this thanksgiving. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

  • Kildawg

    The Duck Tape in of itself is a very good thing to have, in fact I’ve been looking at stores to find this item; but the only way this should ever be a gift is as a gag like one of those gift swap parties.

  • http://dawgpounddaily.com/author/markjosephpi/ Mark J

    I think this duct tape is a fail. Not because it’s marketed duct tape, but just plain bad design.

    Orange tape with brown/white stripe down the middle, no pics, no elves, no helmets. Boom. I’d buy a roll.

  • LaundroMat

    Isn’t it a girl with the QB shirt?