Gilbert, Haslam indicted on dogfighting charges

Dan Gilbert and Jimmy Haslam have never shied away from making big moves and the resulting controversy. This time, however, the duo may have gone too far.

According to ESPN.com’s Adarn Shefter and Yahoo! Sports’ Adrian Wojnaroski, working together in an unprecedented cross-platform co-investigation, the Cleveland sports owners have been holding mascot fights between Cavaliers mascot Moondog and Browns mascot Chomps in a backroom of the Horseshoe Casino on a weekly basis.

The NBA and NFL Commissioners―Adam Silver and Roger Goodell, respectively―have yet to comment on punishment for the troubled owners, but it is expected to be “severe”.

Moondog, the Cavaliers’ primary mascot since 2003, has seen his social media profile rise this season through antics involving the Lopez twins, among other things. It was Indiana Pacers forward David West who gave Moondog the first mouthful of blood when he clocked the canine prior to an April 2012 game.

Unconfirmed rumors have circulated on Twitter that Whammer, the Cavaliers’ polar bear mascot from the periwinkle and basket splash days of the 1990s, paid off West to sock Moondog in the hopes of inciting a response and giving the polar bear a chance to get his old position back. Moondog took the incident in stride on the surface, but something inside of him reportedly changed that day, and he started frequenting MMA, WWE, and the occasional Rocky montage.

Moondog was never a natural fit for the Cavaliers’ new era mascot. Despite the Cavaliers having an incredibly awesome seventies logo with a cavalier complete with sword and plumed hat, they chose to go fun-loving and off-beat as several other NBA teams have in choosing an anthropomorphic dog, as shown in this Q&A with Moondog back in 2003.

With the change to the “new expression of Wine and Gold” fans might have been expecting a “Cavalier Man”, like on early Cavaliers logos. Was he your biggest competition in getting this job?

Not at all. Actually, less than half of the mascots in the NBA are directly based on the team names. It’s much more common for the mascot to be indigenous to the town or area like my buddies the Utah Jazz Bear or Rocky the Mountain Lion in Denver. Seattle’s Squatch isn’t a Sonic (or even loud for that matter), but he’s indigenous to the Pacific Northwest. Some are even totally unrelated to the team, like the Phoenix Suns Gorilla. A “Moondog” is unique to Cleveland, so it just makes sense.

They attempted to rectify their mistake when Sir CC was introduced during the 2010-11 season. Sir CC is said to have won over Gilbert, and as a result, Moondog’s court time was slashed accordingly.

Despite Gilbert’s willingness to spend over the cap for on-the-court players, he was much more stringent about his timeout talent. With Sir CC’s rise, according to multiple sources, Gilbert began looking at different areas to earn money off of Moondog. When he proved to be a poor fit for blackjack dealer or bartender, Gilbert approached the canine with an ultimatum: join the underground fight club or leave the franchise and be exiled from Quicken Loans Arena.

As for Haslam, the slick-dealing gas station tycoon is always looking for a quick buck. The Browns have struggled with their Dawg Pound identity in an official capacity ever since the late eighties, when it became an unofficial name for the fan base.

Upon purchasing the team, Haslam was ready to make drastic changes from renaming the stadium “Volunteer Stadium” to changing the team’s helmet to a paler orange with a big B on the helmet. When Randy Lerner sold the team, the three things he asked of Haslam were to keep the helmet logo-less, to keep the team in Cleveland, and to keep fans miserable and angry.

“Candidly, why don’t you get the hell out of my office, you soccer-loving hermit!” said Haslam as he threw a stack of cash at Lerner.

When Haslam’s advisors feared the backlash that would come with putting a logo on the helmet, they diverted Haslam’s attention to the mascot talent, apparently introducing him to the team’s dog mascot for the first time.

“Chomps, who the hell is that?!” said Haslam. “That free-loader needs to work for his money!”

Haslam was vaguely aware of unofficial fight clubs such as “From Candid to Canvas” and “Tennessee TKO” that would take place in the Pilot headquarters basement or at select Flying J locations after closing, so he asked his advisors to take care of all of the specifics without his involvement and get in touch with Gilbert.

Indians owner Larry Dolan was asked to produce Slider for a three-way Cleveland rumble, but Dolan reportedly balked at the $20 fighter entry fee and had concerns about how well-attended the fights would be.

WFNY caught up with Dolan at a local Panera, where he was stuffing crackers and ketchup packets into his pockets.

“Slider? No way!” Dolan said. “He’s a valuable piece of our long-term organizational plans. I’ll give you Gavin Floyd though. He’ll have to fight southpaw, but he might as well earn his four million dollars!”

In addition, there were tentative discussions about asking Brutus Buckeye to join the festivities, but those were immediately dismissed when a team of land surveyors and cartographers confirmed that Columbus and Cleveland are in fact not the same city. In fact, they are 140 miles apart. This came on the heels of State Law No. 270, a/k/a “The Belt Provision”, which prohibits discussion of the State’s largest university (including its degrees, athletes, colors, fight songs, or mascots) outside of the 270 interstate boundary.

In the stuffed showdowns, Moondog reportedly took a series of beatings over the first four sessions, when Gilbert was mistakenly under the impression that throwing the fights would provide him with higher draft picks and more cap space for future competitions.

In classic Browns fashion, however, Haslam and Chomps found a way to blow it. The new revamped Dawg Pound logo was meant to draw kids in early to the idea of a future mixed martial mascots league. But, Haslam tried to grow the idea too fast. When the idea of tag-team matches emerged, Gilbert had the resources to easily bring his other mascot Sir CC into the fray, while the rest of Haslam’s potential partners for Chomps were reportedly in obedience school.

Chomps met his downfall as the wine and gold duo sent him to the vet for a protective cone via a cardboard sword. Veterinarian W.F. Nextyear shook his head and added Chomps to the list in his office that now includes Scruffy, Fido, Municipal, Candid, Pilot, Dilfer, Weeden, Spergon, and many other colossal dog mascot failures that met their match while sparring in the orange and brown. Gilbert, meanwhile, simply handed out T-shirts to his mascots that read, “What’s Not To Bite?”, in celebration of the victory.

But, the laughs are over for the two billionaires. With Randy Lerner’s recent sale of his soccer team, there are rumors that he may try to re-buy the Browns at a huge loss. As for the wine and gold, it’s being whispered that Gilbert may turn the team over to his small forward, LeBron James.