USA! USA! Nike’s LeBron 12 low gets gets patriotic
March 31, 2015
Urban Meyer still finding sweater vests in office
April 1, 2015
Happy Wednesday and Happy April, Blawg Pound.
It’s a slow day to write a morning column by Cleveland sporting standards. The Cavs didn’t play last night, the Indians are winding down Spring Training, and the Browns are just trying to stay out of Roger Goodell’s NFL police blotter. Rare are the days when there is no immediate sports story to discuss, so relax and take a few deep breaths. Stop and smell those roses you’ve walked past so many times. Stand up and get a good stretch in. You’ve earned it.
In lieu of talking about the wine and gold or the orange or brown or the red and blue―we don’t really use that last one, do we?―I would like to play the role of good dog and bring you your morning paper. Sort of.
I don’t read an actual newspaper much at all these days, and lord knows I rarely wake up early enough to, but I hold fast to the ideal of doing so. Sitting at the breakfast table on a sunny morning, plate of bacon and eggs in front of you, butter settling into the nooks and crannies of your English muffin, mug of fresh coffee in your hand, robins chirping outside the window, and unfolding your favorite daily? That’s the way to start the day, brother.
With that in mind, I present some of the week’s finer stories, some of which you may have overlooked, sorted into sections just like the morning newspaper.
On the front page is U.S. politics. I know, it’s the section more than a couple among of flip past to get to the sports and the funnies, but it’s still important. A controversial law was passed in Indiana recently, and Governor Mike Pence addressed his opponents yesterday.
“Let me state directly that in no way is this law designed to allow the kind of anti-gay discrimination that is the law’s single reason for existing,” Pence said. The Hoosier State has been catching a lot of flak lately, but maybe we should hear the governor out before jumping to conclusions.
Action on the campaign trail, as professional socialite Kim Kardashian announced she was running for president. Kardashian has no political experience, but hopes that she can leverage her name recognition into a viable candidacy. It seems unlikely that this was anything more than a headline grab, however, and Kardashian’s gambit was promptly derided.
“This is clearly a publicity stunt,” said Senior White House Correspondent Sandra Woods. “Anyone who actually thinks Kim would make a good president is out of their mind and should be deported. A vote for Kim would be a vote for the whole Kardashian Klan, can you imagine what her mother would do to the Oval Office?”
Woods has the right idea here. Washington has enough troubles as is without these sorts of headaches. The last thing we need in the White House right now is Kris Jenner outfitting Jackie O’s favorite chaise in crushed red velvet.
In world news, war-torn Syria saw a rare display of unity between president Bashar al-Assad and leaders of opposition groups in light of a recent tragedy that superseded the intranational conflict. Assad read a joint statement on Syrian state television.
“The profound sense of loss we feel in our hearts this morning knows no bounds. But together we can overcome this crisis and emerge as a stronger people.
“We were hoping to invite all five members of One Direction to perform in Damascus as soon as the war was over,” Assad lamented,”But now that dream has been destroyed [due to Zayn Malik’s decision to leave the group].”
An inspiring travel story about a Pittsburgh man who has decided to take on Las Vegas under one condition: that he not gamble a cent. Michael Nelson, 31, has researched all of the city’s non-gambling options, and will seek to prove that Sin City can be enjoyed without blackjack or roulette.
“I definitely want to check out that Eiffel Tower they’ve got,” Nelson said, “And the tiger show, too. One of those hotels even has canals in it just like Italy. I’ve got to see that.”
A surprise from the entertainment world as erotic thriller “50 Shades of Grey” was awarded the prestigious Palme d’Oil award at Saudi Arabia’s national film festival. One would not think that such risqué material would be welcome in the conservative oil-rich nation, but the film seems to have struck a chord in Saudi King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, who hosted the festival.
“This film is true art,” Salman told the audience, “I used to think Western films were evil and un-Islamic. But ‘50 Shades’ brilliantly depicts a woman’s proper place in society.”
Last, a local interest piece about an area man, Dan Mills, who has an extraordinary talent for and derives immense satisfaction from being unaware of contemporary popular music.
“Chandelier? I’ve never heard of it,’ said Mills, brimming with satisfaction over his success at evading a song that has been on the Billboard Hot 100 chart for almost a year. ‘Sia sings it? Which one is she again?'”
That’s all for today, gang. I hope you enjoyed getting back to reading the morning paper. I hope you learned a thing or two. I hope you laughed; I hope you thought; I hope you felt. Enjoy your Wednesday, and do all you can to make the new month your best yet.
And read carefully.
27 Comments
And April Fool to you too, Will! Good one. But I don’t get the music one.
Me either. I think that’s because the dude the article refers to is me.
I’m having onion and currant for breakfast with my paper.
Hahaha… I can see that I’m going to have to keep my eye on you, Will Gibson.
My wife tried to sign me up for a future trip to Vegas with a pastor friend our age who likes history. Oh if looks could kill. I politely asked my wife after they left why I would want to go to Vegas and not gamble or drink.
Can EVERY internet article and headline NOT be an April Fools joke, today, ferchrissakes?
Just sayin’.
And get off my lawn while you’re at it.
…feeling extra curmudgeonly today…
We got the gags out of our system early. Regular, important content is on the way.
If you’re going to do it, do it right….
…Browns trading all draft picks and Johnny Manziel to Tampa for #1 pick.
…Josh Gordon arrested in Columbia with drug lord Juan Valdez.
…Timofey Mozgov abducted by Russian mob. Held for ransom.
…Cleveland Indians changing name to the Zebra Mussels.
😀
I was hoping the Syrian unity would have been the result of a surprise, last second bowling outing.
I’m really looking forward to watching the Tribe on Monday… it’ll be my first look at the team this season. I picked up Jason Kipnis as a late round selection in my fantasy baseball draft, so I now have two reasons to hope that he comes back to form this season.
Another Cleveland sports site got me this morning – their headline was that the Browns surrendered their 2016 compensatory picks as a part of textgate. I was seriously convinced.
tell me more about zebra mussels
well, he got on base a ton this spring, but Brandon Phillips wasn’t impressed.
I thought The Onion might fill their home page with straight news stories today, but they didn’t.
http://smartladieslovestuff.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Sofia_3.gif
http://ryanseacrest.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Taylor-Swift-Kanye.gif
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Why would you want to go anywhere and not gamble or drink?
So much to be hopeful for this season.
Some sky high expectations:
* Brandon Moss hitting 30+ HRs (Progressive Field is a great place to hit for left handed hitters)
* In-field defense is much better than last year (No Santana @3rd, no Swisher @1st, healthy Kipnis, Ramirez at short)
* Zach McAllister as the ’15 version of Carassco? http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/zach-mcallisters-attempt-at-the-carlos-carrasco/
* Somebody stepping up and grabbing RF
* That starting rotation
If we’re talking low to no expectations, I’m going:
* Michael Bourn staying healthy and contributing for a majority of the season
* Swisher providing this team with any WAGs (Wins Above Giambi)
* Any of our grab bag of old vet position players putting together a solid year
* Chisenhall sticking at third (and, ultimately, an every day player)
This is a great list of things to keep an eye on. If I have one concern, it’s that we have too many guys who would be better served at DH than playing in the field. Swisher, Murphy, Moss, Chisenhall, Santana, and Raburn all seem to fit that bill. I’m happy that the defense should be better, but I’m sad because I think it’s still going to be subpar.
I hope Mickey Callaway never leaves us.
“Wins Above Giambi.” Love it. That’s one advanced metric that I can understand and support.
The flip side is that with that many guys, one of them has to have a good year, right? At least Santana looks like he can play 1st. But agree, if there’s one area of concern with our roster construction, that logjam is it. Wish we could fuse four of the bottom guys together and create two solid, dependable players.
This is also the point of the year where you have these lists of concerns and hopes which will look completely absurd when you look back on them five months later. Aguilar will have hit fifty home runs, 3/5ths of our starting rotation will be recovering from Tommy John, Bruce Chen will have twenty wins under his belt….
Speaking of April fools…Brian Winshorst sure is making haste with all of his LeBron James coverage. Already read a couple stories where either he was reporting or was the source for the other.
Brian Windhorst is to LBJ, as Ahmad Rashad was to MJ.
At least Rashad played in the NFL tho.
I agree, of all the guys I listed, I think Santana has the highest chance to be a decent fielder. He spent several years being split between C, 1B, and 3B… if he can concentrate solely on 1B this season, I think he can get the reps that he needs to cut down on errors.