Video: Watch this Indians fan snag a screaming liner
August 26, 2015Quicken Loans Arena to host five Cleveland State basketball games
August 26, 2015We’re close, gang. A couple more weeks of the crapfest that is the NFL preseason, and then the real deal will be upon us. Tailgating. Charcoal- and dead leaf-perfumed air. Oddly appropriate amounts of AC/DC blaring at oddly appropriate levels. Would-be retirement savings spent on tricked out bread trucks. Enough unwarranted optimism to make Candide blush. There’s nothing quite like Browns season, for all the best and worst reasons.
Whether you prefer to be part of the drunken amoeba that is the Muni Lot or relatively safe and sober at home, there are things you need to be considered a real fan. By which I mean: merch. You gotta shell out that paper if you want anyone to believe that you actually care about the Browns. Root, root, rooting for the home team only gets you so far. If you aren’t dropping at least half your paycheck on essentials like a Browns zombie bobblehead or a Mitchell Schwartz plaque or Browns cowboy boots — all real, available items — yet you’re still calling yourself a member of the Dawg Pound, then I hope you reside with a pride because you, my friend, are a-lyin’.
Something like a zombie bobblehead, however, has limited utility. You can put it out with the Halloween decorations and give it a little knock on the skull to make it wiggle, but that’s about it. You can’t wear it to a game or a concert or a wedding or a funeral. I don’t know about you, but when I spend my hard earned on official licensed gear, I want to be able to throw it across my shoulders and strut all over town.
To that end, today’s writing comes with a mission: To determine which Browns jersey you, the consumer, would be best served in purchasing. Such a transaction is of course subjective, but a little advice never hurt. Except where noted, all of these jerseys — the fancy new ones — are currently available at the Browns team shop (i.e., no customized options are discussed). I won’t be giving preference to one colorway over another; that choice is between you and your god.
All pictures are from the Browns team shop
Joe Haden #23
Haden is the safe choice. He’s a good player, he’s a good teammate, he’s a good brother, and he’s a good man. He engages with fans; you can watch him on his YouTube channel or buy sneakers from him. He’s under contract until 2020. There are a lot of good strong reasons to choose HADEN No. 23 if you’re going to buy a Browns jersey. (It’s a tad uninspired is all. This isn’t a resumĂ©. Don’t be afraid to go off the beaten path.)
Paul Kruger #99
Extra points for No. 99, which allows for plenty of creativity once Kruger leaves town: you could repurpose the jersey as an allusion to the team’s return in 1999, pair with your significant other to make one of those charming 99 Problems/Ain’t 1Â couples outfits, or pay homage to past Browns greats like Orpheus Roye or Hurvin McCormack. In the words of Kruger himself: “The Dawg Pound is alive and well.”
Brian Hartline #83
If you had a Joe Jurevicius jersey, you’re obligated to get a Brian Hartline jersey. White NFL wide receivers are as common as African penguins as it is. To have two different ones play for the Browns, within a decade of each other, and to have both be local products? It’s too good to be coincidence.
Cameron Erving #74
A rookie’s jersey? No offense to young Cam, who may well turn out to be a fine NFL player, but you may have a very real gambling problem if you’re the sort to pay good money for a Browns rookie’s jersey. Never forget: the house always wins. How’s that Gerard Warren replica treating you?
Danny Shelton #71
Ah, but if you truly want a rookie’s jersey, may I recommend the Shelton? Danny’s jersey comes with the risk that that of any Browns freshman does, but he has quickly become a mild cult hero and he has potential to become an appropriately large one. As a bonus, the No. 71 shirt pairs nicely with a lava-lava.
Joe Thomas #73
Joe freaking Thomas. What a man. I don’t think of him as outspoken, what with the affinity for fishing and all, but he’s called out the commissioner, buried Peyton Hillis, and told the Browns front office to get its spit together. He’s put in eight damn good years of service and could be good for eight more. Screw the jersey. I want a Joe Thomas statue.
Johnny Manziel #2
If you believe that we are all fallible; if you believe that we can all change; if you still believe that Johnny Football is still alive and well, somewhere; if you believe in Texas forever; if you believe in taking the scenic route; if you believe in tearing up the directions and putting the damn thing together yourself; and if you believe in redemption, then by god, you still believe in Johnny Manziel. Buy this thing yesterday.
Donte Whitner #31
The choice for the true Clevelander. Whitner went to high school seven miles from old Municipal Stadium, played three years at Ohio State, and poured his heart out to his teammates before a game against the Bengals last year. He wears that orange helmet with pride, and we would never turn our back on a local player.1 He’s already played nine NFL seasons, and safety is a tough position for an older fellow to play, but Donte has already done his hometown proud. He deserves to have his name worn around the 216.
Justin Gilbert #21
Buy this jersey if you bought a lot of stock in 2008. Buy this jersey if you enjoy low tide. Buy this jersey if The Ugly Duckling is your favorite fairy tale or She’s All That is your favorite film. Buy this jersey if you believe there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t buy this jersey if you believe that light is a train. (This jersey is only available in the new style if you personalize it; plenty of Gilberts in the previous style are available at a minor discount.)
Tramon Williams #22
If you already knew who No. 22 was from the front alone, then by all means, go for it.
Brian Hoyer #6
Priced to move! Go Texans!
Apologies to those who didn’t make the cut. Buy Isaiah Crowell’s jersey if you’re into pizza Lunchables, Terrance West’s if you’re into feeling yourself on Twitter, and an old Josh Gordon if you think his suspensions are BS.
- Good luck in Houston, Brian! Miss you! [↩]
50 Comments
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Buying the jersey of 20-30 year olds sounds great for some people.
But what if you are a grown man, and not a kid or a chick?
Sorry, I do try not to be a jerk.
I love the smell of optimism in the morning but I need to know the over/under on how many games before reality comes crashing down on Browns fans ‘cuz I got a house to bet! As far as the jerseys go I don’t know whether we are discussing the new ones or the old ones or individual players. But regardless the safest is the Brown jersey either old or new with either #23 or #73. After that it doesn’t matter.
Once upon a time I was a jersey person I still have all of my now retro ’90s Indians jerseys with “Baerga” on the back. Now all they are good for is for wiping the tears away sadly. Browns jerseys owned = 0. Never have owned one and never will.
Yes, Joe Thomas deserves a statue. Honestly, the only Jersey’s we fans should buy should be a #73 or a #23. Signed for some time, and years of great service. This year I retired (pitched) a Quinn Jersey, A Couch Jersey (appropriately named “ouch” ), a Winslow Jersey, and an Edwards Jersey. I now only own Joe Haden’s Jersey. Next Jersey will be a Thomas Jersey…
I actually received a Joe Thomas jersey in the new orange version as a gift. Wouldn’t have bought it myself, but if I’m going to have one, he’s the guy to have. Other than that, I will continue rocking my old style brown and white Josh Cribbs jerseys. Because Kent State. And of course my authentic Brian Brennan. Because Brian Brennan.
I would prob go for an orange one, and if I had to select a player, I would go with Shelton. He is a beast and I think he will be here for a while. Other players are old or more volatile. It is hard to say how good Erving is going to be, and would you really want to get a OL rookie jersey.
I don’t sport the jersey out too much, but like to wear it around the house on Sundays, and to the store on Sundays when the Browns are playing the Ravens (live in MD)
If Thomas promises to stay then bails for bigger money he should be a lock for a statue. Pretty sure that’s how it works.
Get a personalized #00 connect 0s to make an infinity sign or get one that says CHAMPS with 64 as number
Some of us are just good at doing it without trying.
This is where I have come out on it, too. I won’t ever buy a player’s jersey ever again – not only for the reasons you state, but also because it’s abundantly clear that none of these guys will ever invest the same amount of time, energy, and care into the people that wear their gear as the fans invest in them – and in fairness, why should they? It’s just an exercise in silly, foolish futility to me to buy a jersey with an athlete’s name on it.
Tear up the directions, embrace the obnoxious fervor that is Manziel. If he ends up being any good, you’ve got the jersey of a winning quarterback. If he’s awful and is out of the league in two years, you have a hilarious ironic piece of merch.
(Holds head) Statues, really, seriously?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFi_ODUbZfk
I’m jealous of the Turner throwback.
I received one of the new Haden jerseys in white for my birthday. The last two that were also gifted to me were of Cribbs and Kellen Winslow Jr.
I only own two jerseys.
1. An authentic #29 Turner jersey from when he was still a Brown. RIP.
2. Blackburn Rovers soccer jersey.
I have desire to own any others.
I now only own an old OSU #16 jersey (Craig Krenzel era), which is okay, because there is no name (college athlete exploitation aside, which is clearly not okay). I do want to get a Tottenham Hotspur jersey, but without a name or number. Sorry Harry, I’m not doing it.
I do think that the vintage route is the only reasonable route to take. I do not begrudge the Turner jersey at all.
Christmas 2010: My wife scoured the internet for a #40 Hillis jersey, and found one in my size. It was THE gift of that Christmas in my family. It was also the last straw for jersey wearing for me.
My Rovers kit is from 1995.
Premier League champs. đ
That’s not mine…mine’s not a throwback. It’s an authentic from when he was still a Brown. đ
Alternatively you could act like a grown ass man and neither buy nor wear NFL jerseys.
Oh, I remember! I’ve not been an avid Premier League fan for very long, but I do remember that. It was about when I first started paying any attention at all to soccer. My favorite team has always been Spurs, but I’ve also been fond of Rovers (and Portsmouth). I’m just glad one of them can stay in the Premiership (though Spurs are thus far driving me insane this year).
Rovers are fighting relegation to League One. Ugh.
Saw that. Terrible. They have got to get their financial situation figured out.
How does Bitonio #75 not make the cut? Get me one of those.
I decided several years ago that I would not buy any more Browns, Indians, or Cavs merchandise that doesn’t say “World Champions” on it. So when I’ve needed a knock-around tee shirt or sweatshirt, I’ve gotten Buckeyes stuff mostly, with a little Notre Dame, Duke, and Army thrown in.
And, of course, I’d never buy any of those hideous abomination jerseys foisted upon us by the Cleveland Haslams.
Eh, wearing them to to an actual sporting event is ok, but wearing it anywhere else, I’m with ya.
I have a Cleveland Steamers t-shirt which until just recently pretty much worked for all three teams.
Couldn’t agree more. To paraphrase some comedian, the only people who should be wearing an athlete’s jersey are kids and women who are ~having intimately relations with~ said athlete.
I laughed…sorry.
Oh, it’s definitely funny. Or pitiful. Or something. Regardless, laughter is appropriate.
Ah so this was the part II of the Hillis story from yesterday. Mrs. G_O supports Peyton Hillis by buying the merch…G__O, however, conspires with the Browns and the media to drive him out of town, burns Hillis jersey in video posted on WFNY. A sad sad ending…
i wouldnt buy any of those new jerseys – they look frickin awful. worst jerseys in the NFL
So, Thomas is present perfect tense for Thome?
If I wanted to act like a grown man, then I wouldn’t care about sports as much as I do : )
I’m about to get Booo’d out of the comments section but I am an Arsenal fan (Go Gunners!!)
I actually thought about buying a #40 jersey. My sister who gave me the Cribbs jersey said that she wanted to get me Hillis but nobody had them in stock.
Now that’s just disgusting. I’m not one that’s given to hooliganism, but that makes deeply consider it.
That’s why it was such a coup for my wife to make it happen. It now goes down in history as the worst ever best ever Christmas gift.
Hey it could be worse…I could be a Man U fan. /hides
That would be worse on a macro level, but on the micro level, to a Spurs fan, there’s absolutely nothing worse than the Gooners.
I am getting a Tramon Williams jersey. He and Paul Kruger are the only current Browns with Super Bowl rings.
Until they put a winning product on the field, don’t buy anything.
Garry, I had a similar experience with a Braylon jersey (since I’m a UM fan) from my wife during his rookie year. She also waited in line to get me a signed picture of him after his Pro Bowl year.
I literally just gave the picture away last weekend by putting it at the side of the road for my town’s “free-cycle” day, which is basically a giant neighborhood free swap meet.
Someone took it.
He’s outta room it’s outta here!
You make a great point. I guess if I want folks to let casual wave-making baseball fans have their fun, I should do the same for jersey wearing fans.
Can I get a t shirt made with the Hillis Madden cover on it?
I’d love a 70s Cleveland Crusaders vintage replica hockey sweater jersey. There, I said it.
Got a birthday coming up, you guys. Thanks in advance.
Somewhere in your neighborhood there’s a young bride saying, “I can’t believe someone left this autographed Browns photo out! At least I think it’s the Browns. My Boo loves the Browns! He’s going to be so thrilled with this great gift! I’m such a wonderful wife. Now, what’s the difference between baking powder and baking soda? Ah, it probably doesn’t matter, his birthday cake will also be great!”
For me, 1878 full Cleveland Blues baseball kit including the boots.
The best solution I found is go to a Marshalls store and buy last years Nike jersey for $30. Already got a Haden and Thomas. Or if you wanna save money buy Johnny’s jersey, that’s only $12.99 lol