Urban Meyer weighs in on QB competition, leadership, and Braxton Miller
September 1, 2015Get Over That .500 Hump, Boys
September 1, 2015When coaches around the United States talk about not wanting the distraction of certain people, places, or events affecting their teams’ focus, they are undoubtedly referring to the dangers posed by the feeding frenzy of piranha-like members of the media.
Fresh water piranhas, of course, belong to the subfamily Serrasalminae and range in size from five to ten inches in length. The piranhas which belong to the subfamily Medialandshark stand upright and range in size from five to six feet tall. Both species are known for their sharp teeth, powerful jaws, and voracious appetite for meat.
Both kinds of piranhas have a reputation as ferocious predators that hunt their prey in schools. Attacks by piranhas resulting in death or major distraction have been reported in such places as the Amazon basin and in large American cities. Some rivers in Brazil have signs warning of the lethal piranha. Around college campuses and professional practice facilities, piranhas are generally kept in check with a carefully monitored and limited feeding schedule.
Nevertheless, the aforementioned voracious appetites can be difficult to control and, therefore, as a public service and in the interest of public safety, the following list is offered as a means of preventing the problem of Major Distraction from infecting the public at large. This list is proffered under the inspired guidance of renowned ichthyologists and deadpan ironicists, Dr. Stephen T. Colbert and Dr. David M. Letterman.
The Top 10 Suggested Answers for Mike Pettine to Questions about Johnny Manziel
10. “I don’t know the answer to that question … You know I don’t live with him, right?”
9. “You mean today? Right this minute? Josh McCown is firmly our No. 1 quarterback. If you want to leave me your phone number, I’ll call you right away if that changes.”
8. “I’m sorry, this press conference is open only to actual reporters.”
7. “No, and there’s no symbolic meaning to the fact that he wears the number 2.”
6. “I might be able to answer that question if I were The Amazing Kreskin … but I’m just a football coach.”
5. “I think that question would best be directed to Johnny Manziel’s fan club. The contact number for that organization is in your handouts.”
4. “No, there’s no change, and before you ask, to my knowledge there has been no change since yesterday in Johnny Manziel’s height and weight.”
3. “I’m very sorry, but we’ve already exceeded our limit of Johnny Manziel questions this week.”
2. “Well, as a matter of fact, I’m getting nauseous of #&%*@$# questions like that … what are you, in love with the guy?”
And Number One:
“Excuse me, sit down, you weren’t called … sit down … sit down.”
10 Comments
0. Put your hand down Mary Kay. Let somebody else ask a question.
Excellent! We’ll call that number 11. Others are welcome. Coach Pettine needs all the help we can give him.
0.5 Use whatever Marshawn Lynch says in his interviews with the press.
https://usatftw.files.wordpress.com/2015/01/lynch.gif?w=1000
(Yes I know that’s not him)
Key and Peele. Excellent.
I’m sure that no one cares, but I was at the Central Park Zoo in NYC last week and the pirahna exhibit stated that there’s little evidence that they actually swarm and attack people, like in the movies.
Sure we care and I did read up on the piranha before writing … “Recent research, however, which started off with the premise that they school as a means of cooperative hunting, discovered they are timid fish that schooled for protection from their own predators… Piranhas are basically like regular fish with large teeth. (Wikip.) I just figured I could use the reputation angle since it applies so well to those crowded press conferences. 🙂
They sure do a number on human corpses, though. I’m looking at you Pat Shurmur.
Good stuff, Richard. I really don’t know how (most) coaches (usually) manage to keep calm instead of going piranha themselves on the press when faced with the daily barrage of idiotic questions.
Folks, this ain’t world war and this ain’t Oprah. It’s football. Let’s try to keep that in mind when you ask your questions.
That, I can agree with. 😀
I totally understand.