Does anyone know who will start at QB for Ohio State on Monday?

With the Ohio State Buckeyes entering the 2015 season as defending national champions and the first unanimous preseason no. 1 team in the six-decade history of the Associated Press poll, there aren’t too many question marks on the team. They know they will open the season on Monday evening at 8 p.m. on the road against Virginia Tech. They know they will have a scarlet-colored bull’s-eye on their backs all season. They know they have a very good football team that will likely be favored in every game.

But we don’t know whether Cardale Jones or J.T. Barrett will start at quarterback when the offense takes the field for the first snap on Monday night. And when I say “we,” I mean all of the 7,364,728,908 people on planet earth¹ minus a handful. Some people might know. Or do they?

Does Urban Meyer know? You would think that if any time-bound denizen of this universe knows who will start at quarterback against Virginia Tech for the Buckeyes, it would be head coach Urban Meyer. You would probably be right. But you would probably be wrong, too.

Meyer said at the start of the week that he wasn’t going to announce the QB decision in advance of the game, but that neither of the two “was way ahead.” Meyer also said he has an “idea of who’s gonna go early,” with the implication that the idea had not matured into certainty. He’s also indicated that both will play throughout the season — and both may play on Monday. So Meyer knows. But not really.

Do either J.T. Barrett or Cardale Jones know? On Friday, Meyer said he plans to tell the quarterbacks on Saturday who will take those first symbolically important snaps. (So he’ll know by Saturday. We know that much.) But even if he hasn’t told them yet, surely the two guys vying for the position know, right? They probably talked about it after practice sometime, or realized they were taking more reps with the ones, or felt that they had distanced themselves in the competition, or had a time-traveling ghost tell them in the middle of the night in between stops to Christmases past and future.

Maybe they already decided it amongst the two of them, and one of them will concede the starting role when they’re called into Meyer’s office on Saturday, placing the unity of the team ahead of their own greatest desires. “Nah, coach, I appreciate the offer. But for the good of the team, I think [J.T./Cardale] should start. And don’t convince me otherwise!” No, they don’t know.

Does the center know? Former Buckeye Zach Boren asked his brother — current Buckeye and starting center Jacoby Boren — if he knew who the starting quarterback will be.

To be honest, I texted my little brother and he’s the one who’s going to be snapping to them, and I asked him what’s going to happen and he doesn’t even know, so if he doesn’t even know, I don’t know if anyone knows right now.

So, unless one of them is lying — and athletes never lie to fans and the media — the center doesn’t even know whether Jones or Barrett is starting. And if anyone should know, it’s the guy who’s going to have the quarterback’s hands all up in his gooch for three hours on Monday night.

Does TMZ know? TMZ producer Keith Jackson (not that Keith Jackson) says his “sources” have informed him that J.T. Barrett will be the starting quarterback for Ohio State. TMZ has broken news before, so maybe he’s onto something. Or maybe he’s not. But because the news didn’t have anything to do with sexual infidelity or a nightclub fight, I remain skeptical.

Sources are telling me JT Barrett will be OSU's starting QB — not Cardale Jones #scoopage

— Keith Jackson (@KeithKjbucket) September 4, 2015

Does Utah coach Kyle Whittingham know? During the Michigan-Utah broadcast on Thursday night, broadcasters Gus Johnson and Joel Klatt talked about a conversation they had with Utah coach Kyle Whittingham during the week. Whittingham confessed that he had spoken to Urban Meyer, for whom Whittingham was an assistant when he was head coach of the Utes, the day prior. In addition to giving Whittingham intel on how to beat the Wolverines, Meyer may have disclosed top-secret information. When they asked Whittingham if he knew who would start for the Buckeyes on Saturday, as Klatt told it, Whittingham grinned and said, “Yes.” Then there was a live play (probably Michigan quarterback Jake Rudock throwing another interception), and they never revisited the subject, probably too mesmerized by the indescribable magnificence of the khaki-ness of Jim Harbaugh’s khakis to think of much else.

Does Braxton Miller know? Yea, Braxton knows that he won’t be starting quarterback on Monday, seeing as he voluntarily relinquished say in the matter by converting to H-back. He probably doesn’t know who will be, though.

Does Ohio State’s video production team know? I count two J.T. Barrett appearances in the Ohio State video production team’s video, but only one Cardale Jones appearance. #Illuminati? Actually, I’m convinced that Ohio State’s production team already knows the results for the entire season, and they’re cutting up next week’s hype trailer right now. #Illuminati.

Does Bo know? If Nike ads are any indication, Bo Jackson possesses supernatural premonition powers, presumably derived from his Nike cross-training shoes. Bo knows.

The Great Gazoo knows. Well, yea. Obviously.

Does the team know? The team already voted J.T. Barrett, a sophomore, a captain. They did not vote Cardale Jones, a junior, a captain. Maybe Barrett has proven himself in more ways than those on the field. Or maybe he’s just a nicer guy, or he gives better speeches. Or maybe Cardale is too busy tweeting or pranking teammates or putting whoopee cushions under their rear ends to want to be captain. It sounds like more responsibility than I would ever want.

Do I know? No. I haven’t a clue. But whoever it is, he’ll throw for more touchdown passes than Josh McCown will this season. So there’s that.

1. Approximately. [↩]