Texts from Ray: Week 3

Over the last two weeks, Waiting For Next Year has had the distinguished privilege of sharing with readers messages obtained from Cleveland Browns general manager Ray Farmer. Farmer is in the midst of a four-game suspension for texting the sidelines during games in the 2014 season, a violation of the NFL’s electronic device policy. The texts are the scoop of a lifetime for a humble blogger: the Pentagon Papers of bitching about Cleveland sports.

The suspension forbids Farmer from not only attending games, but also from interacting with Browns coaches and visiting the team’s practice facilities in Berea — the result of a total misunderstanding of the concept of “punishment.” Farmer has made comments taking ownership of his actions since the suspension and accepting the penalties. Whether Farmer takes similar responsibility for the team he assembled remains to be seen.

Due to Farmer’s bizarro-world anti-punishment,¹ no insights will be gleaned from Farmer on the podium this week after the Browns’ 20-27 loss at home to the Oakland Raiders. But due to to a rare and fortunate (for us fans, and in this solitary instance) gift exclusively bestowed upon Cleveland Browns employees, Farmer immediately forgot the mistakes leading to his predicament, and continued his frivolous and compulsive texting during the Browns loss to the Raiders on Sunday. WFNY has obtained these messages yet again, this time by planting a tracking device on a “high profile terrorist target” (a seagull I found on the shores of Lake Erie) as favor to my contact at TelAmeriline — a telecommunications company in no way affiliated with the NSA. WFNY is sharing these messages with you now not out of journalistic integrity or the desire to get Farmer suspended for the rest of the season,² but for your personal amusement.

Farmer’s texts reveal a feckless goofball not unlike your roommate in college who would eat Cheez Whiz straight out of the can, a man that stands in stark contrast to his stern and bookish public persona. Some would say this provides profound insight into our dual natures: that of the public representative we present to the public and that of our truer, more authentic self which leaks out in personal interactions. Others may say the texts more accurately reflect the thoughts and feelings of the blog contributor who made them up, and not Ray Farmer. I’d say it’s open to interpretation.

Sunday, 8:15 a.m. ET. After making unlikely friends among the multitude of Browns tailgaters outside FirstEnergy Stadium last week during the Browns win over the Tennessee Titans, Farmer is scheduled to rendezvous with his new cohort on the Sunday of the Raiders game. This Sunday, Farmer — who his new friends affectionately nicknamed “Suit Man” due to his comically inappropriate professional tailgating attire — has gone shopping to fulfill his responsibilities to the pregame festivities. Confused and slightly overwhelmed at the grocery store, he texts his wife Vernet and one of his new friends, “Brad,” who Farmer is eager to impress.

Like in weeks past, Farmer makes sure to talk to head coach Mike Pettine and offensive coordinator John DeFilippo before the game to ensure that his directives, which are in violation of the terms of his suspension it should be noted, are heard by the Browns coaches. His suggestions are ordinarily ignored, but occasionally arouse peeved responses from Pettine and DeFilippo.

The first half of Sunday’s contest went poorly for the Browns, as they entered halftime with a 17-3 deficit to the unesteemed Raiders, as the visitors seemed to move the ball with ease. Besides being a dispiriting start to the game, the first half was borderline unwatchable, a fact lost in the postgame avalanche of negativity that follows any disheartening Browns loss. The teams combined for 12 penalties in the half. Farmer registered his complaints with Coach Pet and Coach Flip.

Things look bleak (even for Browns fans) at the start of the second half, as the Browns fell behind 20-3, then 27-10. Distraught and cranky, Farmer attempts to find a ride home from his wife before the Browns mount a comeback with touchdown receptions by Gary Barnidge and Travis Benjamin. When Josh McCown throws an interception in Raiders territory in the last minute the comeback falls tragically short … the story of the franchise since 1999.

With another senseless loss entered in the Browns records books for posterity, Vernet finally comes to collect her depressed husband and take him home. While waiting for his wife in the mayhem surrounding FirstEnergy Stadium, Farmer discovers discovers what makes Raiders fans so “special” after a few unnerving confrontations. Meanwhile, a mildly concerned Brad looks for his missing friend Suit Man, and former Browns offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan can’t resist an opportunity to harass his former employer.

1. Except for Farmer’s dock in pay. [↩]
2. Okay, maybe the second one. [↩]