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January 15, 2016The map of the United States is full of irregularities. State lines abruptly zig and zag to follow rivers. City and county borders appear jagged or uneven. So too is the NFL landscape full of incongruities. Often times they are testament to times gone by and divisional alignments date back decades. Few people would describe Dallas, Texas as “east coast” but it’s impossible to imagine the NFC East without it. But what if the NFL’s divisions made sense? Now that St. Louis is returning to California, we have an excuse to pull out the old map and see how we could improve it. What if in 2016 Cartographer Roger Goodell threw out the old maps and re-drew the lines in the sand?
For the purposes of this map I am honoring AFC/NFC affiliations.
NFC North – Chicago Bears, Detroit Lions, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings
The NFL actually did a great job with the NFC North. Green Bay, Chicago, Detroit, and the Twin Cities all consist of similar people with similar weather (cold, snowy, gray) and in many cases similar heartbreak. Minus the 2010 Champion Packers, one would need to go back to 1996 (another Titletown victory) to find a champion in the division. The Bears have waited over thirty years since their last Super Bowl. The Lions have never even played in The Big One. The Vikings in the playoffs? A sore subject of late. The geography makes sense for four cities who love both football, drinking, and shoveling snow.
NFC East – Carolina Panthers, New York Giants, Philadelphia Eagles, Washington
The Dallas Cowboys are not in the “east” as most people define it. However, the other members of the division all occupy natural rivalries along the Atlantic Corridor – New York, Philadelphia, and Washington. The next logical step is to include another of the original colonies. The Carolina Panthers would inject some strong play into a division that for the past several years has lacked a top dog. Plus Cam Newton (and his various sponsors) would appreciate more publicity in major east coast markets.
NFC South – Atlanta Falcons, Dallas Cowboys, New Orleans Saints, Tampa Bay Buccaneers,
With Carolina pulled East, someone else will need to help round out the NFC South. That team calls Dallas home. The Cowboys join the Saints, Buccanears, and Falcons in the south and give joy to their numerous fans who call SEC Country home. Plus, who doesn’t want to see Matt Ryan and Tony Romo trade interceptions in a late December divisional game?
NFC West – Arizona Cardinals, Los Angeles Rams, San Francisco 49ers, Seattle Seahawks
The biggest winner in the Rams relocation to Los Angeles? Hollywood and millions of Angelinos. The second biggest winner may in fact be Seattle. The Seahawks regularly lead the league in most miles flown during the season. That won’t change unless the earth swallows up Oregon, but moving the Rams to same time zone will save the club a few hours in the air. Plus, the Rams’ return creates a niche market for displaced out-of-town fans. Can you imagine how badly Steelers Nation will outnumber the Rams fans next time they play?
AFC West – Denver Broncos, Kansas City Chiefs, Oakland Raiders, San Diego Chargers
The AFC West is hardly perfect, but it’s tough to alleviate the wide tracts of land that separate Denver and Kansas City from their Pacific-hugging division mates. Plus you don’t want to interrupt such long standing AFL affiliations. I once heard a Bronco fan describe a Raiders fans in the following way: “They’re crazy. They drink their own blood.” You can’t put a price on that sort of animosity.
AFC South – Houston Texans, Jacksonville Jaguars, Miami Dolphins, Tennessee Titans
Miami joining the AFC South just makes sense. The Colts were never truly “southern” and with this switch all four clubs reside below the Mason-Dixie Line. Plus for the first time two Florida teams would occupy the same division. Plus with more games in hot climates there is a better chance that JJ Watt will fully become his spirit animal – Danny Bateman from The Replacements.
AFC East – Baltimore Ravens, Buffalo Bills, New England Patriots, New York Jets
Baltimore joining the AFC East creates a nifty parallel with their baseball counterparts. The Orioles, Red Sox, and Yankees have enjoyed some fantastic rivalries in the past century. Tossing the Ravens in alongside the Jets and Patriots could theoretically push the respective fans into instigating a second Civil War. Plus recent Ravens-Pats playoff matchups have been appointment viewing and I would be down to have that show guaranteed twice per year.
AFC North – Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Indianapolis Colts, Pittsburgh Steelers
While the Ravens inclusion in the AFC North creates a “fun” rivalry with the Browns, Baltimore is not the most logical choice for a Midwest-heavy AFC North. Instead, I would support throwing the Indianapolis Colts into the mix. Only 112 miles separate Indianapolis and Cincinnati, and one would cover 317 miles to get from Naptown to Cleveland. The Big Ten parallels are also intriguing for Indiana fans who resent the fact that the Hoosiers have not defeated the Buckeyes in football since 1988. The Colts would represent another tough team with whom the Browns will have to contend, but the geography is indisputable.
The true loser in the above scenario is St. Louis. No city wants to lose their team, and you often feel powerless when it happens. Cleveland knows this better than most. But perhaps the relocation lemons can be the basis for restructuring lemonade. And for the die hards who want to see illogical and curious alignments remember: new divisions means new rivalries.
14 Comments
Corey your funny…making sense and the NFL in the same headline! Bazinga.
http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/choofed.gif
1. Corey, I agree 100% with those divisions. Trouble is, Jerrah would much much rather play under the bright lights in the big three East Coast cities than the lesser lights you’ve aligned them with. Besides, the Redskins-Cowboys rivalry is one of the classics. Jones would scream bloody murder if they tried to take that away from him, so they won’t. Jones is also the reason San Antonio won’t get a team unless somebody pays him some outrageous compensation.
2. With all the talk in the national media over the past few days about the Rams, I’ve noticed a shockingly little regard for the city and fans of St. Louis. For the most part, broadcasters/writers are just giddy over the prospect of a team in L.A. St. Louis isn’t even an afterthought. When the Browns moved, Cleveland got tons of sympathy from the media and from rival fans alike. I feel bad for those folks in St. Louis.
And bend over, San Diego. You’re next.
I’ve often wished we were in a rust-belt division:
Detroit, Cleveland, Pittsburgh and Buffalo. All border Lake Erie, all were industrial cities in decline/rebound, similar demographics, blue-collar, etc. etc.
Your definition of border and mine don’t align.
However, in the early aughts I often times found myself wishing we shared the NFL division with the Lions so we could hate them equally on all fronts, with the mediocrity of both football teams and the championship caliber basketball teams.
I’ve had the opposite experience. Every thing I’ve heard/read has lambasted Kroenke.
The true AFC North lies along the north coast!
I’m glad to hear that. I do know that Deadspin has been very critical of this move. But the boys on PTI are all in.
and baseball!
PS: “mediocrity” might be abusing poetic license when it comes to describing the early aught Lions and Browns…
This was fun and it makes sense. Funny though that with the removal of the Colts and addition of the Dolphins, you’ve somehow made the awful AFC South even worse (most years)… I know, I know BIG GEOGRAPHY is really who to blame.
Poor Seattle would go right back to the same air volume when the Raiders move to SA:
http://www.si.com/nfl/2016/01/15/oakland-raiders-san-antonio-relocation-los-angeles
Yeah, I didn’t feel like trying to describe the aughts Tribe vs the aughts Tigers. Too much volatility for one adjective.
And I absolutely used “mediocrity” loosely. Which I suppose could be said for “border” then, too.
Love the Map!
Kroenke is the scum of the Earth.
That will only happen when San Antonio changes its name to Las Vegas. 😉