While We’re Waiting… Cribbs’ Contract, Bobby Valentine, and Creepy Quinn T-Shirts
October 21, 2009And Then There Were Four….
October 21, 2009
By now, you have likely heard that Rolling Stone will be featuring an article in which one Matt Taibbi takes on Browns head coach Eric Mangini as well as the team which he manages every Sunday afternoon.
The part where a music-based magazine is piling on our woeful season is only a sliver of the equation. The rest of it is comprised of the comparison in which Mangini is simply a personification of Augustus Gloop – the heavy-set lad who finds himself in the 1971 version of Willy Wonka’s chocolate river only, to be defended by his mother as if it were the fault of Sir Wonka.
While definitely focusing primarily on the physical attributes of Mangini (and Gloop alike), Taibbi’s analysis of what Mangini has done with the franchise did not go unnoticed.
I always wondered what happened to Augustus Gloop, the fat little boy in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory…a boy with fat bulging from every fold, with two greedy eyes peering out of his doughball of a head–(but he) somehow ended up as head coach of the Cleveland Browns, perhaps the most [expletive] franchise in all of sports right now.” […]
Mangini’s performance with the Browns is “one of the truly thrilling sports disaster stories ever” […]
Mangini spent his time “frowning on the sidelines like a man with the winner of the annual Kansas great Pumpkin Weigh-Off up his [expletive], frantically changing his mind about which of his two psychologically battered quarterbacks to throw into the breach next.”
Well then. Taibbi has spent much of his time with Rolling Stonewriting about issues outside of the realm of music that claims to feature reporting as well as cheap shots and broadsides. His report on the death of former Russian president Boris Yeltsin was titled “The Death of a Drunk.” Personally, I was a fan of the Iraqi-based article titled “Hussein in the Membrane.” But point is, his word-choice is not the surprising part. The fact that the Browns’ pitiful play (as well as decision-making) from the top down have made it to this level of coverage, however, is.
Sixty-four and Counting’s Vince Grzegorek dove a little deeper into the Mangini-Gloop comparison.
The simplest and most obvious place to begin is with the personality characteristics the two share. Augustus Gloop is the visual definition of gluttony — he eats while on-screen in the original movie than Brad Pitt does in Ocean’s Eleven. Presented with the Golden Ticket and a tour of Wonka’s factory Gloop is unable to control himself, lunging into the chocolate river despite being told not to.
Eric Mangini’s power machinations in Cleveland, and New York, are well-known. From the petty fines, the water bottle incidents, getting rid of talented difference makers whose personalities didn’t mesh with his, to essentially running the organization, stuffing in-name-only GM George Kokinis in a conference room somewhere, and filling up the roster with “his guys,” nevermind whether they can actually play our not — he’s rubbed enough players the wrong way and often enough that he has built an inescapable reputation.
Grzegorek also chose to research what other authors have said about Gloop, completing full circle with his ties to Mangini and his brief tenure with the Cleveland Browns. If you have the time, it is definitely worth the read – if only for the photoshops alone.
The fact that Mangini has been dubbed the worst coaching hire in modern history by Sports Illustrated and has been cast as a “boy with fat bulging” while drinking a chocolate river by Rolling Stone within the first six weeks of football may only be the tip of the iceberg. But could it also be a quick “what have you done for me lately” type grade?
It is widely expected that Randy Lerner (obviously pegged as Mrs. Gloop) will give his new hire at least three years to show some sort of progress that this situation will be turned around. If he somehow manages to turn this water into wine, all of the early publications will be eating crow. But given that said water is being piped in directly from the Cuyahoga River – where all our fish have AIDS – these authors may just be choosing an easy target while most definitely getting their point across.
If he can’t swim, there’s no better time to learn…
22 Comments
2008 called
they want thier cleveland video back
I can’t see Mangini getting more than two years if he can’t win at least 6 games in one of those years. You just can’t be as big of an ass as he is and get the benefit of the doubt for as long as a normal coach would. Eventually, the fans are going to turn on the organization to such a degree that it’s going to affect Lerner’s bottom line and that, above all else, will motivate Lerner to change regimes once again. That is, of course, if he’s even paying attention at all.
I like to say the word “gloop”.
That’s all.
Also, nicely done Vince.
Don’t worry, all of the NFL coaching fraternity, front office, players, agents, coaches, media…….all with experience and exposure who thing that Mangini is an out and out XXX and monstrous failure as a leader just don’t know what you know. You know it’s gonna work regardless of what others look upon and laugh with milk-spewing amazement of such a hire. You will be patient and give this man three years, just like many of you did till the day Phil Savage was fired. How many of you supported Savage until you were blindsided and now blast him, versus how many of you looked analytically at Savage?
The only thing SI missed was the profuse gum chomping and swallowing that masquerades as leadership on gameday. But again, you know better then the throngs who’ve seen it so often.
Yeah, Scott. Why are you such a know it all? Why can’t you be more objective like Isis is?
Why didn’t Sir Randall fire Mangini after the first 10 quarters of the season?
Isis berating someone for lacking objectivity? I think the universe just collapsed in upon itself. Talk about “milk-spewing” funny
“Hello, pot”
“Why hello, kettle”
What exactly about Mangini is such a failure? He left a decent team for a miserable one, his old team is still decent and his new one is still miserable. He made the Jets better, and maintained a .500 record over three years coaching. Rex Ryan may have a bigger mouth, but his Jets are also .500.
Is Mangini any worse than Dick Jauron? Tom Cable? Jim Zorn? He’s not. And if he’s here long enough to build up a consistency, he may be much better.
FINALLY I can say Isis, you are right. We will be patient just like we were with Phil Savage. Do you know why? Because we are FANS!!!! We go out and root for OUR team. Good, or bad; hoping that they will turn it around. We try and see the silver lining when someone gets hired, even though we didn’t agree with it, hoping that for once Cleveland will get it right. My point is that we do not make the decisions around here, so we can either be fans, or not. If so then you will hope and pray they get it right (be patient). If not you will be Isis and MrCleveland and bash the QB decisions, and the draft picks performance three games into the rookie season, just so you can say “I told you so.”
I love how peope expect a new coach / new regime to completely 180 a team overnight.
Isis sure does think a lot of people routinely drink milk. I don’t think I have drank a full glass of milk while watching sports since I was 10 years old.
My response to Vince’s brilliant article: GETCHA LITERATURE & CINEMA CLASS NOTES READY.
@10: It does seem like new regimes can make significant changes sometimes, like Singletary for SF, or like it seemed Rex Ryan did before the Jets lost three straight. Even Denver, which may have had a more positive culture, lost a lot at the end of last season, and is doing great this year with a rookie coach.
Wow, willy wanka really takes me back. I peg it as one the greatest movies of all time. Let’s do the casting for the other characters;
Augustus Gloop – Mangini, as explained in detailed above.
Charlie Bucket – Josh Cribbs – the poor, underprivileged, working man of the Browns, if only he can find that golden ticket paycheck!
Veruca Salt – Brady Quinn – the over privileged kid from ND who believes his pedigree automatically qualifies him for the golden QB ticket of the Browns. I think he also chews gum on the sidelines and puts it under his clipboard.
Vilolet Beauregarde – Shuan Smith – exhibits a fiery free-spirit, but his loudmouth and arrogant nature finds him trouble. The oompa loompas eventually roll him off to some sucker team.
Mike Teeve -Brylan Edwards – more interested in watching his T.V. highlights (i.e. jumping fancily for passes without need) than following the tour rules. Eventually finds his home in the TV capital of the world, NYC.
Mr. Slugworth – Bernie Kosar – the scary secretive right hand man of Lerner looking to test all of the kids loyalty and commitment.
I live in D.C. and what the pundits keep calling for is a stronger coach who isn’t afraid of standing up to over priced vets that are not getting the job done and competition at every position. If this is the formula for success then the Browns seem to be on the right track. They have gotten rid of the malcontent vets and they have 11 draft picks next year. This year is going to be tough but, I for one, think the Browns are at least going at it the right way as opposed to some other teams.
I don’t think either team is going to change owners, but at least Lerner seems to realize that major changes were needed and he made them. Another owner just keeps making the same mistakes year after year. What do they say the definition of insanity is?.
quck correction – that’s Matt Taibbi – not Tabbi
Anon Imus that is freaking awesome. Spot on I might add.
Matt Taibbi is one of my favorite writers so I’m looking forward to some cathartic rabble rousery about this miserable Browns regime.
“I live in D.C. and what the pundits keep calling for is a stronger coach who isn’t afraid of standing up to over priced vets that are not getting the job done and competition at every position. If this is the formula for success then the Browns seem to be on the right track. They have gotten rid of the malcontent vets and they have 11 draft picks next year. This year is going to be tough but, I for one, think the Browns are at least going at it the right way as opposed to some other teams.”
I agree wholeheartedly on that point. Personally, my problem is with Mangini being the highest power in the organization. We went the czar route before… it didn’t work with Butch Davis and his underling Pete Garcia, and it very rarely works at all in the NFL.
The discipline and toughness are great… but unless and until there is a qualified football executive running the organization along with a qualified GM, this organization doesn’t have much chance of true success.
[…] while Mizanin did not go as far as likening him to a fictional character that drowns in a chocolate river, he did take the more WWE approach by explaining his desires to […]
Oh spare me the blah blah it takes time this and that yadda yadda routine… yes it does take time to turn things around, but it takes no time at all to ruin them even further. The 10-hour bus ride already happened. $1000 fine for a bottle of water already happened. Berating players, keeping the opening day starter at QB1 a secret, the wholesale selloff of what small level of talent the team had, and LB David Bowens giving an interview in which he attempts to defend Mangini and can only come up with “It’s not like it’s a total dictatorship around here.” are all old news. 1-5 is over and done with. The damage has already been done and the respect has already been lost.
If you think you need a 3-year vantage point to see that this guy is a tyrannical micromanaging clown with no idea how to field a winner then you need your head checked. Players who followed the guy from NY can’t even bring themselves to just flat-out say that he isn’t a dictator – only that he isn’t a TOTAL dictator. Heckuva vote of confidence.
[…] believe. Matt Taibbi, who is best known for writing about the 2004 presidential election, took to Rolling Stone magazine to compare Mangini to Augustus Gloop from Roald Dahl’s iconic book about a chocolate […]